Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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