when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
