I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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