Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
