in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
