Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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