I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
