Joe is yelling at the trees again.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
