Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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