Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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