Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
