When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
