I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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