Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
