I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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