I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
