Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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