closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
How does one acquire holy water?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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