i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
