I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Dicks are not precious.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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