I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
How does one acquire holy water?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
