i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
