i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
