I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
