i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
