so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
