just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Randomize
