i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We named our party play list daddy issues
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
