The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
