She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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