We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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