oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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