The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
