The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
