I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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