You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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