you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
