i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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