i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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