my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
