They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
