sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
