i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
