so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
