I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
