some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
