As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
