I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
