"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
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