Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
